Sunday, 27 April 2008

  • Watch their doubtful smiles begin

     

    I'm worried about myself. Something has definitely got to be wrong with me.

    I have a chemical imbalance. Or depression. Or something.

    I dunno. It's just, I've been swayed to tears quite easily lately. I've been worried about it for the last couple weeks. I get sad sooo easily. And I never feel rested. And Ceramics, biking, and music seem lack luster.

    Even when the nice weather was here it was like I could be ecstatic one moment and on the brink of tears the next. And John's stuck in the middle of it. I had been thinking maybe I should talk to him about it for several days and today I got one sentence out about it. Dr.John says I'm just stressed. And surely he's not to blame, but my mental/emotional state is, for the fact that he's been making me cry and annoyed directly inbetween being an amazing guy.

    Lastnight I had a pretty good night. But at one point he did that thing that I hate. When he's like, "Oh, I don't mind if ______." And what he really means is that he wants me to not be involved. Past examples include but are not limited to:
    - I don't mind if you go home (and he says it in a tone that is recognizable. Otherwise it would be perfectly acceptable.)
    - I don't mind if you don't want to come with.
    - I don't mind if you and Becca go to Old Navy

    I am usually not even comtemplating whether or not he minds because when he does mind something he makes it clear. And, I'll direct you to the fact that all those statements involve me not being included in whatever he's doing. It's never: I don't mind if you tag along. That would be a positive statement.

    Anyway, though.
    I feel like quite a wreck.

    He bought me a big beautiful Rhododendren bush this week. That was amazing. It was very very sweet. IT made me really happy and I feel lucky to be able to touch and look at it everyday.

    But I just feel like such a mess. Any little thing can just start me crying or stressing out. I'm in the process of looking for a better job. One that I have at least a little fun doing, and maybe make more money.

    I don't know how well living with Madison is going to work out. He's mean.

    I shuold call John and he would talk sweetly to me while I fall asleep.

    Will someone please make me feel better and strong and happy and beautiful again?

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